So its been a while, a long long while since Ive posted anything but Im inspired tonight. By dinner. I just cooked this and ate it like a wild badger. I shoveled it into my mouth like I was drinking from the fountain of youth. Though I feel no more virile now as before what Ill from now on refer to as “The Butternut Squash Incident” I do feel heavier and tired. The blackest coffee this attic has ever known is brewing as I type.
One butternut squash. Chopped up into cubes. I didnt even bother peeling it.
Half a red onion. Chopped into cubes the same size as the squash cubes.
like about eight fucking cloves of garlic. okay maybe six.
olive oil drizzle, sprinkle of hemp seed hearts and a little generic curry powder from the bulk section at save-on (I only used this because I didnt want to go out in the rain to steal rosemary from a garden down the block and i needed something to add a little zip.). and straight into a 425 degree oven for half an hour.
cooked untill the edges almost started to burn.
Threw some in a bowl. Added some goat cheese, chopped up dried figs, and a couple candied walnuts.
Fucking amazing and so easy.
I had to seriously resist the strong urge to add frozen peas to this one…. you gotta draw the line somewhere. This would be such an awesome way to use up leftover turkey from the holidays. Easy to pack up and bring to work, and totally cheap to get all the ingredients too.
-Thank you.
my horoscope last week:
“Because you’re a nester, you’re reluctnat to change residences. (for one thing, who has more stuff than you?) Nevertheless, for the last year you have heard the movers pounding on your door. Sweeping forces are trying to either make you change your job, your home or both. And they’re not going to go away just because you are hiding in the bathtub. This week many of you are getting your final kick in the pants to take action. The joke is that in one way it feels new and scary! But the truth is that you are simply completing something that has been in the works since 2002-2004. Fortunately, energetic Mars is in your sign right now giving you the results you need. You can do it!”
hmmm….
Furthering on in my documentation of this heartbreak, I unveil a letter from an acquaintance which blew me away. That someone I really honestly dont know that well at all could send me something so thoughtful and awesome makes me feel like a million dollars. Thank you *****. You dont know how much it means.
“i just talked to ***** and she mentioned about you and sean, which i had guessed from your status updates already.
my advice, even if you don’t want it, live your life. nothing makes people want you back like moving on. and even if he doesn’t end up wanting to reconcile, you will trick your mind into thinking you are ok with it all. it works wonders.
that and wine.
***** and i broke up for 9 months once. he came running back the moment he could tell i was almost totally over him. bastard.
and DON’T have random sex with people. i was really happy i didn’t just start hooking up with people. that way i could be all smug when we talked about people we had fucked around with in the time apart.
you have such a great sense of humour, that is also to your benefit.
hugs, *****
Fucks sakes if I’m to be sentenced to heartbreak the least the world could do is provide me with some decent prime time television? Such is not the case. Nothing but Big Brother and Jon & Kate Plus Icouldgiveafuck.
So coming to a close is my first real day with no cigarettes. Ok well I had one left over from last night this morning upon arising from a gerwurtzminer induced slumber. It feels good so far. I have a pizza. I have a bag of ‘Spitz’. And I have more gerwurtzminer. I had an eight hour serving shift today. Excellent. All went well and I dont think hardly anyone noticed me darting into the back room to dry a few tears now and then. Emotions aside the day was profitable and what better to bring cheer than a few quick and cool Benjamins in the back pocket?
*just went to pour myself up a cup of wine only to discover it was left in my freezer and thus considering the possibility of wine-sickles*
I know that this is a public domain and so writings should be kept fairly unpersonal, but fuck it. I am so fucking sad, blog buddies. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. This relationship went so quickly from ‘consuming starry eyes cute to the point of sickness cant live without each other’ to ‘he cant fucking stand me’ in a matter of days. I just dont get how this happened. It baffles me. How could he be so head over heels with me and with the flick of a switch be annoyed so much by my so called negativity, crusty outer shell, and shyness? HOW? And Im totally powerless to change things. This is not just something I can apologise for. Flowers or chocolates or a new DVD player cant change the fact that -brace yourself- hes just not that into me.I want to crawl up on my roof and scream “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!” I want to post how sad I am, and how wrong I feel this is, and how much I regret this, ALL over facebook. I want to text him and tell him how much I love him. I want to call him and plead for him to change his mind. Most of all I want him to call me and tell me hes sorrry and has made a huge mistake and beg for my forgiveness. I want to get on that ferry right now and go to his house swoon and kiss and make up. But such things are degrading and useless. No grand gesture will change the fact that he doesnt see me as someone congruent. Can it?
I cant help but wonder what would happen if I showed up at his house tomorrow morning. I go over things in my mind. What if I wouldnt have said that? What if I wouldnt have written that? If only I had gained ten pounds. If only I had done those few extra push ups. Is it someone else? Is there other suitors overshadowing his desire for me? If only I didnt take that fateful ferry back home that fateful day when we had our first big fight. Ive been reminded by a friend that I left that day for a reason. I left because of things that were said to me that I wasn’t okay with. Things that cut me deep. Granted I should have stayed and talked it out. But that is why I took off. And still… those things continue to be said, without actual verbalization but in echoes in my own head and also through his actions. And so maybe they are right in saying that I dont deserve all that. That I deserve someone who tells me how great I am and how much they love me. The thing is that up untill about a month ago that is what I had exactly. My wildest dreams come true and with nothing less than a flick of a switch it changed dramatically. What better to be mournful of?
I really thought I had made it with this one. I really really did. I thought if anything would end this, however unlikely, it would be a matter of the distance between us or some unsung and uncontrollable employment situation. Not in my wildest dreams did I expect him to just lose interest in me. To just realize to himself that I was not what he was looking for. Not when he was or seemed to be everything I have been looking for for so long. The sadness is palpable.
Even as I write this I wonder if he will be reading it sometime soon? Should I censor myself? Can I trick him into calling me up and talking? Can somehow what I write shed light on some unknown thoughts or feelings he didnt before understand and so change his opinions? Truth be told if he is reading this I am cementing down all doubts he has. Proving his point. Nothing is as unattractive as desperation. And nothing makes someone want you back as proving you are completely over them. Do I want to play games like that? Not really at all. Im utterly heartbroken. Im not ashamed to say. And if you are reading this I want you to call me. I want you to call me and tell me you want to see me and that this is too rash a decision. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
Well after an an entire month of being on edge watching my relationship crumble all the while being assured by my beloved that “everything is fine” and “Im working myself up” things have come to a close. Im seriously and entirely single and seperate from my as of yet favorite relationship. Im dispeased. What displeases me most is that its not because of a single thing I did or because of a tangible event or situation. Just because of my general demeanor and that my overall personality wasnt compatible. Fuck. When my best friend first met him her exact words were “You got a winner Derek, you win. Do not screw this up.” And now lo- here I stand with a tear stained keyboard reflecting on my life and my behavior and what is so terrible about me that Im here banished from something that I held dearest and what not six weeks ago was (well I thought so anyway…) strong and bright and everlasting.
My friends say that there is nothing wrong with me. That I should be proud. That I shouldnt take this to heart. What the fuck is that horseapples? Someone who I admire and respect and look up to ad aspire up to tells me that for no specific reason Im disliked and Im not supposed to take that to heart?
So now that things are broken beyond repair, where do I go from here? WHat am I to do now? Crawl the walls? How do I turn this travesty into something positive? Well I can take what Ive learnt from the boy who broke my heart and put things into motion. This past year I have learnt so much about myself. Things brought to light that were always underlying but layed covered under layers upon layers. While Im incredibly sad and confused, I still have myself along side with me. I have a strong sense of that, something which Im proud of. I know what I love and what I want to work on and in the past few months I have really really pinpointed those things. What am I to do with all these things I dont like about myself? Well instead of just letting them slip by and settling into routine I can take what Ive learnt from the mistakes Ive made and devout to work on issues. So then does this tragic breakup somehow in the long run turn into something I can be proud of? Probably not but its the best Ive got.
Which leads me to my previous post and the goals Ive set. The sugar issue is going well. Since writing that Ive allowed myself ONE slurpee and also today Ive had a frapuccino due to recent circumstances I thought I deserved it. The cigarette issue is, not surprisingly, much more daunting. Ive had my friend rationing them to me which is not good, I know. And I have had about three moments of weakness dashing across the street to a conveniance store to buy a single primetime. Todays near excommunication has only strengthened my will to achieve though. If just for the reason that SOMETHING, ANYTHING good must come of this.
Another year has passed. Thats right the anniversary of yours truly being pinched out of my mothers nether region. From what she has told me, my passing was quick and painful. She has likened it to a bowling ball being shot down the alley and back to the receptacle for pick up. In most years past, my birthdays have generally been quiet and stoic. I have usually taken the Mrs. Dalloway stance in regarding to planning parties, therefore in planning my own birthday I tend to leave it up to chance which usually ends up in a minimul yet enjoyful experience. This year however proved to be the opposite. Bizarro birthday of epic proportions since it was my better half’s birthday as well and he is better skilled as an events planner.
The weekend was too epic to document in paragraph form, so Ill give you the highlights in shorthand version as follows.
VIP lounge party with apparent millionares. Taking things down a notch trudging cross town to the cambie while steadying seans friend through the loose gravel so as not to damage the stella mcartney stilettos. Swilling alexander keiths at an alarming rate and swatting drunken inappropriate suitors away. Cab ride to north van to a mansion apparently next door to Michael Buble. stripping to the skivvies in a hot tepid tub. Trotting around with numerous attractive straight males in their underwear. Witnessed first hand perhaps the biggest penis I have ever seen. Sunrise trampoline flail listening to said attractive male still in his underwear gab on about his love life or lack there of. Epic fail of not tapping said attractive male when the opportunity presented itself. Mid morning walk of shame home through a carribean parade dodging big black ghetto booty shaking to Sean Paul at mach 9. Quiet relaxing afternoon on the boyfriends patio having breakfast and lounging in a kiddie pool. Engaging game of ‘I Never’. Shotgunning beer commences. Grand surprise from a dear friend having drove the ten hour trek from PG to spend time with. Birthday make out session from a stranger. Enjoying some amazing songs sung by a very talented young man. Haggardly spilling half a beer on the head of my boyfriend. Lightning storm. Realising that standing in a kiddie pool on an open patio holding a large umbrella during the biggest lightning storm of the year was not a good idea. Enjoying a ceiling plastered with pics of mustached men with boners. Passing out at 12:30 and missing the end of my own party. Being physically picked up and fliped over and not batting an eye. Having Show Me Love sung at an incredible volume in my ear and still not batting an eye. Waking up in between my boyfriend and one of his best friends and praying to god that it wasnt what it appeared to be. Finding a passed out tranny still lying on the patio. Best breakfast ever with friend from PG and boyfriend. Forgetting my ipod in Vancouver and realising it while on the bus to the ferry.
Best birthday ever. The lack of my own friends was thankfully overshadowed by the dramatic overflow of my boyfriends friends who are some of the best people I have had the pleasure of meeting in my short time on this planet.
Another year passed leaves me as always with mixed emotions. Recapping things accomplished and opportunities missed. Lessons learned and goals to be made. As of late I have come to the realisation that perfection in ones own eyes in unattainable. Physically as well as emotionally. There will always be life lessons, things to be taught, physical impurities. I wish my arms were bigger, my ass was bubbly-er. I used to wish I had visible chest and abdominal muscles. Now I do, but Im still not satisfied and Im now understanding that no matter how big they get, there will still always be some other thing that will pop up in the mirror as an annoyance or insecurity. I remember a few years ago when I was very insecure about my image and how surprised I was when I saw a photo of myself at how I actually liked the way I looked. Lately though its been sort of the opposite. I feel good about my body mostly and comfortable in my own skin but when some pictures pop up somewhere Im sort of baffled. Tired eyes.. no big deal, but why this change in perception of myself? Is it just me aging? Ive known it was comming for quite some time now and dreaded its arrival and now lo- here I am. Adulthood surrounds me and fears of mirrioring Felicity loom overhead.
SO what to do now? Whats an answer to the connundrum of this fear and loathing on Vancouver island? Siezing what time I have. #1 omg quit smoking. Like the walrus said to the ill fated oyster babies: The time has come. With each pull of a Belmont mild my hatred for the habits that plague grow thicker. This is my biggest goal which once attained instantly makes a resounding overture of joy ring through my body like a phoenix from the ashes. Now the trick is to just make it stick. Ill hold my head a bit higher. My eyes turn a bit brighter. Ill fell more accomplished have more energy and smell and taste a lot better. #2 The sugar addiction. Curb the slurpees not your enthusiasm. A slurpee a day for… nigh on four years or so now? Thats more than ridiculous is it not? The majority of my daily energy spendature is gained from caffeine and sugar and not from the vitamins in the food I eat. Not to mention the recent high fructose corn syrup dangers brought to light. #3 Laziness neglecting my free yoga pass for months on end and spending my free time lazing like a sloth and neglecting housework weighs on my conscience. Sure I fuck around with my weight set at least 3 times a week, but that doesnt require me leaving my house nor much effort at all. Im not saying I need to be Martha Stewart. But my short stint living with dear Ohsweetie still leaves me desiring more in that aspect of my life.
Three things which will make my life infinitely more enjoyable. Sounds simple no? Im a marauding road warrior with a nicotine patch as my white steed.
Past arguements, disagreements and serious talks… all three of which Ive never been much partial to… have been lingering through my brain. Im seeing truths where once I didnt and at the same time trying not to let things haunt me too much. But for en entire month now Ive been tearing myself apart and sorting out the unwanted and undesirable struggling to break tide to the great joy and unabashed wild abandon that I was filled with not long ago. My pal Marj says that things said to me are often reflections of someone’s own feelings of themself projected onto me and that I shouldnt own them. That I take things too personally sometimes and that I cant live for others all the time. Im not sure how personal comments are meant to not be taken personally. This is also especially hard when all I want to do is spend some quality time with the bf, which is proving to be quite the daunting venture as his schedule grows ever more hectic and I at the same time am becomming ever more needful of assurance from him as well as from my friends who move away and continue to divide through the masses into seperate cliques.
I really havent been updating this very much at all lately and thats because I really didnt want it to be full of a bunch of complaining and angst. Many times in the past month I have sat down written a few paragraphs and then realising that the post was the same basically as the last post and the post before. So here we go, one big long stream of consciousness and from here on in I can update progress on the three goals Ive set. Whew.
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- Either he’s afraid of blowing his day job in the Goldman Sachs IT department, or gays have finally reached the point where I officially give up on ever understanding what their deal is.
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- Future wives of Russian mobsters are schooled for a life of servility and lying to the cops by being force-fed cocaine and having to dance half-nude in nightclubs from the age of 12. Here we see one of this rare breed about two years away from graduation.
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- Go ahead and laugh at Supergayman and his sidekick Fag Hag but they’re the ones living life to the fullest while you sit around worrying if you have enough time to get a muffin.
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- You know that moment when you’re trying to break up with a girl and you keep backing down and being like “Sure, OK,” but then you just go “Look, Amanda, it’s done. Deal.” and it hits you that you’re finally free? That must be what heaven feels like, but times forever.
but now what, you dummy?
Im gonna go ahead and send a shout out to good old Ryan Reynolds for breaking Alanis’s heart and leaving her to write the most perfect breakup album Ive had in the past decade. So full of melancholy screeches and scornful wails its made my tears stop flowing for the time being. For now Im packing up the bip boom rockin summer tunes. Back on with the folk voices of women scorned… This is the summer of my discontent. Ill prey that I be so lucky as to gain as much weight did as Alanis did after her breakup.
Freshly single and for the first time in almost forever… Im not ok with it at all.
Geez I had planned to perform as per usual when writing this infernal blog. The usual practice is to just sit down and let my inner most thoughts flow out through my fingertips. Tonight its proving more daunting. I really feel like I have failed and lost something good and rare. And all for a reason that has shaken me to my core and is causing me to rethink some of my stances on life in general and my behavior. On one side Im thinking that I am who I am and I own that and I cant be apologetic. On the other Im thinking that maybe Im totally deluded and oblivious to my surroundings. Fuck. Fuck fuckitty fuck fuck fuck.
Have my worst nightmares come true? Am I in actuality not independant and proud but just selfish and jaded and fucked up? Have those cursed years I spent being picked on beside the tire swings deteriorated my social skills and confidance issues to the point of banishment? Am I on route to the island of lost toys just like that poor elf of so many christmases past? The easy thing is to say fuck him. And the necessary things for friends and family to say is that I am fine and I deserve better and all that. But Inside my dark apartment all by myself at 2am the truth is that I need to address these issues. As much as I want to say No No No I am a fine stand-up individual… when something like this happens a guy has gotta take a step back from pride and look at things from a clean slate. What am I doing in my life that doesnt fit in with what I want to be and accomplish?
usually I dont really like Peaches… but Ive been blasting her new album all day alongside the new Gossip. Both best played at a volume that makes your speakers chirp and pop.
I like her backup dancers.
