“Hey Mr. Arnstein… Here I am!”

My apartment is fucking Jumanji. Okay check this motherfucker I found living in my baseboard heater.

S-I-C-K!! Motherfucker!!! I cant even kill it because I user all the insect poison coating the wall outside my WINDOW on account of all the motherfucking hornets that have been frequenting my sempervivum planter boxes. And I dont mean normal hornets either. These are some serious ass insects… okay Ill try and fina pic of one on the internet

there thats the fucker. LOOK AT THAT FUCKIN THING! GODDAMN IT! So I have space alien hornets, jumping ill-tempered spiders, ugly ass brown spiders, wasps nests outside, gross moths, silverfish, not to mention the aphids that infested my pepper plant. This is madness… Last night there was a wasp in my bedroom. Again I had already used all the bug poison so I armed myself with a bottle of Fantastik. I was hoping I ccould stun it thed squash the sonofabitch before it knew what was going on. But I was so paranoid that it was on my back and I wouldnt feel it crawling on me untill it was too late. Now some of you know that I took a year in the philosophy of logic in college. If I wasnt wearing any clothes I would at least feel it if it did happen to land on me. So I stripped down to my skivvies and hunted in every nook and cranny of my bedroom. I couldnt find it. I couldnt just ignore it. What if it crawled up into my sheets while I was sleeping. Nothing like a nice wasp sting at 5 am to piss me the fuck off. So I decided Id try and smoke him out. I cracked the window and lit like 6 inscence in my tiny bedroom and closed the door. Of course the only insence I could find was this cedar sage bark shit I had left over from the dreadlock days of yore. Gross. 

24 hours have passed and no sign of the asshole. But my apartment stinks like a fucking hippy sweat lodge, and nobody likes a whiner.


2 thoughts on ““Hey Mr. Arnstein… Here I am!”

  1. oh god derek i love you,
    when i was in toronto two years ago i woke up to find a nasty fucking earwig sharing my bed with me.
    it was fucking ridiculous. i freaked the fuck out.

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