I have this angsty feeling looming ’round my head today. Like a weird sense of urgency. I had the entire day off and I spent it mostly confused as to what I should do next. This confusion led to me wasting the entire day in my apartment half starting chores, making to do lists, grazing, and generally getting nothing accomplished and feeling somewhat of a failure.
What am I doing?
Im 25 years old for christ sakes. I scrape by paycheck to paycheck somehow. I like my job, although I wish I made more money. Occaisonally I make it to the gym or yoga. I am head over heels for a wicked boy who is in return head over heels for me. I have (mostly) quit smoking. I have even gained a bit of weight (four pounds is nothing to scoff at in my situation.) I know what I want career wise although progress is slow in that world. I have friends to laugh with. I have enemies to scoff at. Things to be proud of and things to aspire to and failures to learn from and goals to chase after. This is life, am I right? So what the hell is the matter with me today? My bills are paid. I have groceries in the fridge. My laundry is folded. My gas tank is half full. Why this cloud over my head? Maybe I did too many drugs in 2008 and this is the aftermath.
I miss some friends so much sometimes. I miss cable television. I miss having bank in my pockets and not having to worry about money or taking time off work. Maybe its lack of security Im feeling. Maybe its uncertainty as to if I really want to live here in Victoria. Uncertainty of my career. Today I looked up and saved a list of all the funeral homes in Vancouver and stared at it for a good ten minutes, terrified to make any calls. I know nothing will ever happen if I dont take action, but the fear of rejection cripples me. If this is not what I am to do in my life, then I would feel like I have nothing, like a total failure. So I would rather whine about it? I must be mental. This is where I smack myself. Throw myself into a proverbial cold shower and wake the hell up.
And while Im feeling pissy, how much does this fuckin guy piss you off?? Like, yah sure, its easy to look at life through rose colored glasses when those glasses are sitting on your perfect pectoral muscles. Bastard.