Fucks sakes if I’m to be sentenced to heartbreak the least the world could do is provide me with some decent prime time television? Such is not the case. Nothing but Big Brother and Jon & Kate Plus Icouldgiveafuck.
So coming to a close is my first real day with no cigarettes. Ok well I had one left over from last night this morning upon arising from a gerwurtzminer induced slumber. It feels good so far. I have a pizza. I have a bag of ‘Spitz’. And I have more gerwurtzminer. I had an eight hour serving shift today. Excellent. All went well and I dont think hardly anyone noticed me darting into the back room to dry a few tears now and then. Emotions aside the day was profitable and what better to bring cheer than a few quick and cool Benjamins in the back pocket?
*just went to pour myself up a cup of wine only to discover it was left in my freezer and thus considering the possibility of wine-sickles*
I know that this is a public domain and so writings should be kept fairly unpersonal, but fuck it. I am so fucking sad, blog buddies. Boo. Fucking. Hoo. This relationship went so quickly from ‘consuming starry eyes cute to the point of sickness cant live without each other’ to ‘he cant fucking stand me’ in a matter of days. I just dont get how this happened. It baffles me. How could he be so head over heels with me and with the flick of a switch be annoyed so much by my so called negativity, crusty outer shell, and shyness? HOW? And Im totally powerless to change things. This is not just something I can apologise for. Flowers or chocolates or a new DVD player cant change the fact that -brace yourself- hes just not that into me.I want to crawl up on my roof and scream “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GOD NOOOOOOOO!!!” I want to post how sad I am, and how wrong I feel this is, and how much I regret this, ALL over facebook. I want to text him and tell him how much I love him. I want to call him and plead for him to change his mind. Most of all I want him to call me and tell me hes sorrry and has made a huge mistake and beg for my forgiveness. I want to get on that ferry right now and go to his house swoon and kiss and make up. But such things are degrading and useless. No grand gesture will change the fact that he doesnt see me as someone congruent. Can it?
I cant help but wonder what would happen if I showed up at his house tomorrow morning. I go over things in my mind. What if I wouldnt have said that? What if I wouldnt have written that? If only I had gained ten pounds. If only I had done those few extra push ups. Is it someone else? Is there other suitors overshadowing his desire for me? If only I didnt take that fateful ferry back home that fateful day when we had our first big fight. Ive been reminded by a friend that I left that day for a reason. I left because of things that were said to me that I wasn’t okay with. Things that cut me deep. Granted I should have stayed and talked it out. But that is why I took off. And still… those things continue to be said, without actual verbalization but in echoes in my own head and also through his actions. And so maybe they are right in saying that I dont deserve all that. That I deserve someone who tells me how great I am and how much they love me. The thing is that up untill about a month ago that is what I had exactly. My wildest dreams come true and with nothing less than a flick of a switch it changed dramatically. What better to be mournful of?
I really thought I had made it with this one. I really really did. I thought if anything would end this, however unlikely, it would be a matter of the distance between us or some unsung and uncontrollable employment situation. Not in my wildest dreams did I expect him to just lose interest in me. To just realize to himself that I was not what he was looking for. Not when he was or seemed to be everything I have been looking for for so long. The sadness is palpable.
Even as I write this I wonder if he will be reading it sometime soon? Should I censor myself? Can I trick him into calling me up and talking? Can somehow what I write shed light on some unknown thoughts or feelings he didnt before understand and so change his opinions? Truth be told if he is reading this I am cementing down all doubts he has. Proving his point. Nothing is as unattractive as desperation. And nothing makes someone want you back as proving you are completely over them. Do I want to play games like that? Not really at all. Im utterly heartbroken. Im not ashamed to say. And if you are reading this I want you to call me. I want you to call me and tell me you want to see me and that this is too rash a decision. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.